LADY FRIENDS! (and two male-readers out there…waddup ;)). I have a treat for you today. For the first time ever, a guy will be posting on GML! And to represent the opposite sex, I’d like to introduce you to Chad.
Chad is new to the blogging world (check out his Tumblr), but he’s got a way of putting together quite the thought-provoking posts. I’ll admit that I was slightly hesitant when he offered to do a guest post since the majority of my readers are les femmes, but, don’t we all want (and need) a guy’s perspective from time to time?? Take it away…
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What a guy wants…eat your heart out Christina Aguilera.
I know we are familiar with Christina Aguilera song. Most of us were singing this at the top of our lungs (yes even guys) as they drove their cars or singing along to it in their rooms (okay, maybe not guys). It was pretty much that song and well “Genie in a bottle” that took her to the “OMG…she’s better than Britney!!!” status. What’s funny is that we tend to hear lots of songs about this. There is always a song about “what a girl wants” there really aren’t that many songs about “what a guy wants”, which I find funny. I mean, there are tons and tons of songs about girls. Think about “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s. Funny thing is that guys tend to write songs about a specific girl not the “perfect girl”. You ever notice that? Girls tend to sing songs about the “perfect guy”. Think about it - dare I even say “Google it” -dig a bit and you’ll see.
So consider this post a guys’ song about “what a guy wants,” and for once it’s not the girls perspective. I think it’s hilarious when girls try to give girls advice on what a guy is thinking and vice versa. I’ve been in so many conversations where my guy friend is asking me to help figure out what she is thinking. Like some kind of professor I try to help them uncover the truth of the situation, usually to no avail. Why is that? This is about examining what I believe to be unhealthy dogmas about guys. With anything in life, when things aren’t communicated properly assumptions are made; and when assumptions are made that’s when we get into trouble. So here it is…two massive myths about guys…debunked.
1.) We actually aren’t afraid of commitment.
It cracks me up just how much of a stigma guys carry about being the noncommittal ones in relationships. I couldn’t find this further from the truth. I could tell story after story of my guy friends who start to hang out with a girl. They start spending a lot of time together. The girl is totally fine with this until the guy finally comes out and says, “Sooooooo…I like you!” Like someone who just had a surprise party thrown for them, the reaction on the girl face is completely surprised by this. Your response ladies is usually, “Oh really? I’m sorry I just don’t feel that way about you. I thought we were friends?”
Believe me - guys are guilty for this as well, but I don’t believe as often. Guys actually understand that spending a lot of time with a specific girl will give her that impression, which is why most guys get accused of being afraid of commitment. Just because we don’t spend a lot of time with you doesn’t make us players. It does if we go around kissing every girl we meet, but to be honest that’s only a handful of guys that ruin it for the rest.
If anything, I think girls are more guilty of spending to much time with a specific guy that they have no interest in than guys do with a girl. If you’re honest with yourself you know what I’m talking about girls. You all have that “good guy friend” who you had to let down easy because he started to like you and you just…didn’t. Remember, don’t be surprised if you spend a lot of time with someone and it leads to them liking you. TIME ALWAYS EQUALS INTENTION. You give your time to the things you like, right? There are plenty of ways to get to know a guy without spending all your free time with him, texting him, asking him for advice. Don’t ask to be invested in then be surprised when he starts to have feelings for you.
You might say, “I wasn’t asking to be invested in.” Well I’m sorry but you were when you started asking for his time in helping you sort through your thoughts and feelings. You wanted his attention but were shocked when he offered you his affection. What you say and what you do are usually completely opposite things. It’s not his fault that he likes you. You got him to care, and isn’t that you’ve wanted from a guy to begin with? A good guy who cares…
2.) We actually aren’t afraid of communication.
This point is the one that will probably drive most of you girls nuts. I can see you sitting there now going “alright moron, this is what I try to do.” A good relationship and being the kind of girl a guy wants is someone who learns how to speak his language. Not every guy is the same, just like every girl isn’t the same. You wouldn’t like me talking to you the same way I talked to my past girlfriends would you? Of course not! You’re not them, you’re you; and therefore I need to be the kind of guy who needs to learn about you so that I am able communicate well with you.
I feel like guys actually get this better because we’ve been brainwashed (in a good way) that “every girl is different,” while in contrast the stigma for guys is “all guys think the same thing.” Not true, contrary to your books we don’t think about sex every 5 seconds or whatever the statistic is. Sure, maybe there are some of us that do, but most of my guy friends are living pretty incredible lives doing things they love, and to be honest sex isn’t ruling the majority of their thoughts. So if that’s your assumption ladies its probably why you constantly end up disappointed. You tend to seek out what you perceive. So if your perception is “all guys just think about sex” well then you’re going to end up finding guys that just think about sex. If in a conversation I said to you, “all girls are skanks” you’d absolutely lose your mind. You’d quickly come back with a strong rebuttal as to why that isn’t true. If it’s true for you when can’t it be true for us? Why do we have to sit and just accept that “all we want is sex?” Just like you, there are versions of guys that are extroverted and introverted, both great and horrible. As much time as you would expect us to put into getting to know you, that should also be reciprocated back to us. Every guy has his different loves and passions (not all of us love video games) and are just as unique. Figuring out what makes us tick is just as vital as is us trying to figure out what makes you tick.
In the end it takes two to tango…
I am just a guy at the end of the day. I’ve been burned by girls and I have also burned girls. We all have similar stories. This isn’t about being perfect or right. At the end of the day this about being honest. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m willing to have a good conversation to find the truth that’s needed to do life well. I know you want to be a good girlfriend/wife as much as I want to be a good boyfriend/husband one day. That can only happen, though, when we stop assuming so much.
You can read this and think I’m a total moron and a “typical” guy for writing something like this. But I would challenge you to take 5 minutes and be honest with yourself about the whole thing. A big part of the myth about guys is that you ladies are just as guilty of the very same things you accuse us of being. You hate to be stereotyped but you have no problem putting stereotypes on us. So let’s start by knowing both sides are guilty at times. This isn’t about winning an argument. This is about guys and girls as individuals getting to place of confidence, strength, and health. Here’s to the journey…cheers.
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All I have to say is, touche Chad…touche. But I may have to come back with a counter post sooner or later 
What do you think about Chad’s perspective on “what a guy wants?”
hessa says
hi gracie! i just came across ur blog and it’s amazing!im glad u’ve given chad a go here as i really needed to hear it from a different perspective…he is so right and i salute u 2!way to go..keep posting 😉
Thanks so much for this, Hessa!
This was really I interesting. I always love hearing a guy’s perspective about this kind of stuff, thanks for the post. I’ll be checking out your blog
I honestly really loved this! Great idea to have a guy guest post-I am always looking for a good blog written by a male and this post gave me some things to think about. Thanks Chad for posting this!!
Hahah - this is great Gracie - I think it is cool to have a male perspective - and that you are going to counter the post! They used to do an article like this in my college newspaper - and it was a hit!
Loved this. Even though I’m a girl, I hate the double standard where girls can tease their boyfriends mercilessly, or make degrading general statements about men, but guys can’t do the same. It’s not “okay” to make negative blanket statements about women because they’re NOT TRUE for most of us, and it should be the same for guys. I think a few bad apples ruin the reps of the whole bunch, which is sad
I kind of love this. Seriously, Chad, send this to Cosmo!
Stephanie says
I think he is very honest and seems a bit defensive like he has definitely had experience with some girls who assumed things of him. I think men and women are more similar than we think. Chad is right in that both sexes have certain qualities that make them unique and you can’t assume anything until you really know someone. Communication is key but it has to be constructive communication because often guys and girls will communicate but it gets them no where because they aren’t on the same wavelength or they aren’t being true in their words.
Love this, and I can see that it’s true. I don’t believe in the saying “all men are the same” even though so many people believe it! Gracie, can’t wait to hear your counter-argument
I love this post! Both men and women need to work at communication in relationships. It takes a while to figure out how to best communicate for your specific relationship.
I’m excited for Gracie’s rebuttal 😛
I LOVED this post!!!! Let’s see more!!
I’d love to know what he thinks about exercise and heavy weight lifting for girls!
I’d love to see more of Chad’s opinion or any other guys!!!!
Thanks Graciee!!!!!!!
On Chad’s first point: It’s totally been the opposite for me. I’ve had guy friends want to hang out, give me rides home, etc., and get MY hopes up. Then when the subject comes up of “What are we? Are we friends or should we try a relationship?” (and it always does) HE is the one who says, “Oh, we’re just friends!” I’m the one who ends up wanting more, NOT them.
Chad’s 2nd point: This I like. But the issue here is that the guys I know…if he hears something from me that he doesn’t like, he shuts down immediately. He doesn’t try to find out why I think that way, he just shuts down. (My ex is a great example of this. When he found out I wouldn’t go all the way with him (I’m TLW), he never tried to find out why I felt that way, even though he’d been great at communication about everything else. He just broke it off with me.)
Gracie, I’d love to see a counter-post.
Chad says
Hi there,
I totally get what you’re saying. I know a lot of girls are going to relate to the opposite. Like I said both sides have their share of “bad apples”. The perspective I wrote this from was a mature guys perspective (by mature I mean someone who doesn’t make decisions as if there is no reality attached). Clearly a guy who just wants your attention or a guy who won’t talk because you won’t sleep with him is no guy worth your time. This is about seeing value in one another.
@chadrodriguez
Thanks for the reply!! Obviously, the ex mentioned in my first comment wasn’t worth my time. I realized that right away, haha! I definitely see what you’re saying and I wish there were more guys around like you.
Chad says
Hey guys…
Thanks for all the positive feedback. I must admit it’s always a bit scary to put something like this up on a mostly female readers site, you never know what could happen. I’m curious to see where the conversation leads…
Cheers,
Chad
@chadrodriguez
so true! it’s great to hear a guy’s perspective - my brother’s are always trying to tell me both these things
I completely agree that there is a stereotype about guys. But I do want to say one thing — there’s a difference between a girl just wanting to be friends with a guy and a girl being interested in a guy but not wanting to commit. I HATE when I genuinely want to be friends with a dude, but he gets pissy because I won’t take it further. But I’ve also been with the same guy for over 1.5 years and refuse to call him my boyfriend or say that we’re in a relationship because commitment scares me.
Just pointing over that there is a difference.
I agree such a stereotype about guys. Once I found a guy I wanted to be more than friends with and so did he there was no fear of commitment…only love.
Yet the communication thing is tricky. Even if he wants to talk we talk in completely different ways. So feelings are hurt and we don’t communicate at times. It’s taken a few years to learn when he’s joking and being serious and same as him for me. But as we work on it the communication does grow.
So nice to hear a guys perspective! Although I’ve been in a relationship for a long time and my guy seems to have already debunked a few of those rumors for me…but guys in general are still very interesting creatures. Not sure I’ll ever quite understand them.
Loved this & I found myself nodding along as I read Chad’s post. I’m in a fairly new relationship and it’s refreshing to be reminded of such things. Thanks Chad & Gracie.
Caroline says
LOVE it! I also found myself checking out his blog…I think I will read it more often.
Hannah says
Chad,
Thanks for guest posting!
I believe the world would be a better place if there were more guys like you:) I have found men to be so confusing, especially the one I’m dealing with right now. Makes me want to pull my hair out. You give me hope that there are some good eggs out there
Hannah
Chad says
I actually think there are tons. Most of my guy friends I feel are of the highest caliber. But again that’s probably a different talk for a different day. A guys friends (or girls) for that matter says a lot about a person.
Hannah says
I’m glad to hear that there are some good guys out there. I guess I just have to be patient until I can meet one!
MM says
This was a great post and very well-written! And I agree with 99% of what Chad said. I love the point about “time always equals intention”.
I also think what leads to a lot of people getting burned is they change themselves or try to change the other person to *make* it work. They invest a lot of time and energy into an feeling or idea that is not reciprocated…When it finally ends badly, sometimes it’s just easier for them to blame a “stereotype” - like the guy is afraid of committment, or whatever else. But that also goes back to the point about needing to be honest with ourselves and others.
In regards to the “all guys think about is sex” stereotype, I think this is a double standard in some ways too. A lot of girls/women use their bodies to get a guy’s attention, then feel they need to keep his attention by continuing to appeal to that part of him, without investing any time in showing who they really are or learning who he really is. So when it ends - the girl gets mad because “all he’s interested in is sex”, when he may have been looking for companionship/friendship beyond the physical stuff and lost interest because they didn’t show they had anything else to offer the relationship.
Awesome comment, MM.
bianca says
*two thumbs up*
I think I’m 100% guilty of #1…spending time with a guy and then having to let them down. Loved the fresh perspective!
Chad have you ever thought about writing for women’s mags like Cosmo or Glamour? They would eat this stuff up! I loved reading this, and I have learned that much of it is true. Sometimes it’s hard for us girls to see certain things!
Natalie says
Yeah Chad, this is awesome, and you’re totally right. Girls do slap stereotypes all over guys, and to be honest, it really burns me up. I will have been married seven years on this Sunday (may 1), and things that I can attribute to our success as a couple is communication, and owning our actions. If we mess up, we have to fess up. It definitely goes both ways. Thanks for the awesome article! I don’t think it needs to be countered!
Maybe countered wasn’t the best word…more like, “add my two cents?”
Congrats on the upcoming anniversary!
Claire says
Great post!! Love is complicated. I’ve totally been guilty of #1 leading a guy on, but sometimes it’s hard for me to know what I even want, let alone making decisions that impact others too. Commitment is a big step, but I don’t think you can ever be 100% sure about anything. Sometimes life (and love) needs a leap of faith.
Love the blog btw!
chad’s gonna get himself a couple of dates out of this one…
I’ve been burned in past relationships with men that turned out to be awfully mean and uncaring, which skewed my view of men as a whole. It took years of healing the distrust and fear of being hurt to realize that these men are exceptions to all men.
I luckily began to meet very nice men, who all became friends I went for lunch with on a weekly basis. One of those guys is now my lovely boyfriend, M. In his own words, he is “enamored” with me.
Basically, from my own experiences I have learned that not all men do awful things to women, they are the exception. Once I was able to believe that not all men wanted to treat women badly, I began to recognize and appreciate good men. Now I am much happier and am fully appreciated by someone wonderful <3
I definitely agree with Chad’s first point. I’ve watched a lot of my female friends lead guys on, spending excessive time together and getting very emotionally intimate while claiming that they were “just friends,” and then acting shocked when they found out the guy was interested in them and wanted to take their relationship further. Then other girl friends will have a very casual relationship with certain guys but insist that “they have chemistry” or “there’s something more,” and they’ll be devastated when the guy begins dating/showing (REAL) interest in someone else.
I think the thing is that (some/most?) girls see a relationship as significant because of the “whats”- specific little things that seem to show interest or affections- while (some/most?)guys see it as the “how much”- frequency of texts, duration of time spent together, etc. That disconnect leads to frustration…which leads to messy relationships/breakups… which leads to curling up in the fetal position on the couch, watching Jerry Maguire and sobbing as you scarf Ben&Jerry’s straight from the carton.
Great post!
Chad and Gracie,
There needs to be a follow-up post for this! Love it!
Chad,
In regards to “Time always equals intention”…cant girls and guys be friends too? The intention of remaining good friends?
And in regards to communication…guys, call us…dont text. Its lame 😉
chad says
I fully agree that guys and girls should be able to be friends. If that’s something you’ve both discussed then awesome (and clearly in the right timing). I’ll always argue that sometimes people over think things at times and at the end of the day people rush things, but in the process of life communciate where you’re at. Mature people can always handle honesty. The issue still remains, you shouldn’t act surprised that the guy you spend a lot of your time with may develop feelings for you or vice versa. That’s why point number 2 is so important.
Helen says
Great post!
Relationships are a tricky area, each one different and never the same as a friends. The best advice is be open and don’t be something your not thats when communication and commitment become an issue.
Helen